As I begin to write this I have to remind y’all where I was just a short 24 hours ago…..
In the midst of an offseason and a goal of gaining 10 pounds of muscle; I found myself crying, in a ball on my bed, with an array of skinny jeans, swimsuits, and denim shorts strung around the floor like a war zone.
I was packing for a trip to the sunny state of Florida and for once in 6 months, I was required to wear something other than yoga pants and let’s be honest; I was a hot mess.
Nothing fit, nothing felt normal, and what was once known as packing, was now a full-fledged insecurity war within myself and I was not on the winning side it seemed.
So like any respectable fit chick, I packed every maxi dress I owned and planned on wearing shorts on the beach; I’m working out right? I boarded the plane to the land of “no pants” and hoped a spray tan would carry me some.
What is beautiful about insecurity is that it doesn’t discriminate.
Insecurity doesn’t stereotype; it exists in us all, buried deep, normally next to those hopes, fears, and scars that we work so hard to hide.
As women, we make rules for insecurities and at times use it as a common ground to communicate with one another. Wearing insecurity on your sleeve in a woman’s circle is nothing short of Girl Scout badge; but what we need to truly deal with is not the surface insecurity, the “Oh I could never get away with wearing that”, but the deep ones that run right through our hearts. The insecurities that fuel can’t, won’t, and never. Before we talk about how to deal, I have to make a disclaimer: Insecurity will never fully dissolve in ourselves; it’s what keeps us humble. But know that you are never not good enough or ugly; but it’s your insecurity that’s ugly and let’s deal with it.
How to Deal: With your insecurities…
-Don’t put rules on your insecurities. I’ve mentioned before in my blog that I work with a lot of women and I never quite understood, when it became cool to be insecure? It’s like any confidence should be masked by insecurity to look humble? You know what’s humbling? When a woman, any size, loves herself completely, because she’s built on a strong mind, body, and spirit. You don’t have to hide to be humble. You’re pretty amazing and there’s nothing wrong with owning it!
-Meet them head on. Whether it’s yoga pants or ex-boyfriends, If you keep avoiding, you’ll always be running from it. Challenge yourself to be out of your comfort zone and win, lose, or draw you did it; that’s dealing.
-Have a right hand. I’m the luckiest chick on the planet; because I have right hands. The girlfriends that will pick you up on the lowest days, tell you exactly how they feel about your outfit, and at the end of the day keep you real. Have “right hands”, because even the baddest boss ladies need help.
-Be brave enough to welcome imperfection. As women we do two things: set goals and meet them and then destroy ourselves by not meeting more than that. On these days you have to remember why you started and try to stay focused, not discouraged, on where you’re going. Besides, owning your imperfections might make you the happiest you’ve ever been.
-Give yourself a reality check. I’m going to be brutally honest with you here. Know what you are, what you become, and all said and done; is the end product what’s going to truly make you happy? What I once thought of as everything in my life, more times than not, turned out to just be stepping stones to what I was to really become. So give yourself a reality check; is this important to you, your future, or your dreams? If not, you know what to do sister.
So now that I’ve mapped out how to deal with your insecurities; it’s time for me to take my own advice.
“We so deeply want to contribute to our own perfection that we become intoxicated, even obsessed, with the rules that we think we need to make it real, and it’s a dangerous line to walk.”
I’ve been insecure my whole life and for so many days, I’ve wasted time, in hopes that others would tell me I’m good enough.
One of the most important days of my life didn’t happen with a ceremony or surrounded by friends, family, loved ones; it happened alone, with just myself, in a tiny loft apartment with the electricity turned off and not a dollar to my name.
So why was this one of the most important days of my life?
Because on that day, in that moment, the lowest of lows, I realized that I had nothing left to be insecure about, because to be honest; I really didn’t have anything left.
What I did have was myself, my mind, my fight, and damn it; nothing to lose.
We want to attach things to ourselves to give us worth and personal security; when all of that is stripped, you’ll find yourself in isolated and lonely place, but it can be the exact place you truly find yourself and what you’re made of.
I decided right then and there that I didn’t need anyone’s word to convince me I was worth it. I didn’t need anyone’s admiration to prove I was doing something worthwhile, and I sure as hell wasn’t wasting any more time being insecure about myself, because I’d been through the hardest of times and I made it through; maybe even a little stronger.
Insecurity is not a war with women; it’s tiny battles; battles won, lost, indifferent. It’s recognizing the moments you’re in a battle and never admitting defeat, which brings me back to the “land of no pants”….
I arrived at the beach the next day and thought about that moment, in my tiny apartment, when I had a million reasons to be insecure about myself and I instead found my strength, and I couldn’t help but laugh at myself.
“Alysha? You were broken, out of shape, and alone; and you figured it out. Now you’re scared to walk on the beach with a little “Offseason love” on your hips?”
I couldn’t help but say to myself:“You’re missing out on a memory; being insecure. Put your big girl pants on and quit being such a little bitch. ”. So I tossed off the maxi dress and ran to the beach; offseason love and all.
Like I said; sometimes the smallest battles, win you the war in the end.