I’ve been writing down notes, thoughts, rants, even prayers for a year now and unknowingly I was writing this blog for a very long time.
My son turns 1 this week and I’m trying to wrap my mind around so many things I’ve learnt, experienced, dealt with,felt; in the last year.
So I thought I’d just share the things I’ve been writing down for the last year.
“Thank you for choosing me to be your mama” The moment my son was placed on my chest, he looked straight into my eyes and I was blown away how much love I could feel for meeting someone for the first time. He knew me, I knew him, and I’d searched years for that feeling he gave me instantly: fulfillment.
Our first night home, Baby B slept for 8 hours straight and didn’t make a sound and we BOTH said, “man, this is easy”…..holy shit, did we have another thing coming!
“I’m not a quitter, but I seriously don’t know how to do this again tomorrow” So for my new moms, don’t let this scare you. For my veteran moms, you’re just gonna laugh.
It was month 3, I had extremely low milk supply, a baby with a high appetite and seemed to sleep, well, never.
Sleep deprivation, hormone swings out the ass, and putting pants on was a high achievement in those days! Those days and nights were some of the hardest mental and physical days I’ve ever experienced in my life; looking back though, I’ve never been so connected with my husband. I’d never lived so un-selfishly and I’d never appreciated little things so much….. A nap, a meal from a neighbor, a husband that did bath time every night. I write that last sentence with tears in my eyes because those things REALLY meant that much too me.
My tips? Bring a lactation consultant to your house, get a baby swing, don’t do the laundry-SLEEP WHEN THEY SLEEP, and know it gets easier and you get better.
“He’s just so awesome.” Month 3-6, Baby B was turning into the happiest and most curios baby. I took him everywhere. We did everything together and my husband and I were really getting into the swing of this “parenting” thing.
We just couldn’t stop saying how awesome he was.
Everything your kid does is amazing. Every smile, laugh, even a fart is just the coolest damn thing. The best part of being a parent is getting constantly blown away by how proud you are of your children; it’s priceless.
I turned into a complete train wreck.
I was stressed, anxiety driven, exhausted, and jealous; yes jealous.
I was jealous my husband got to go to work. I was envious seeing other people exploring their careers and I was so mad I couldn’t figure out a balance of career and motherhood.
In return, I took a lot out on my husband, which was so unfair. And now looking back I wasn’t being honest with myself or giving myself a chance really.
I loved being at home with my son, I didn’t and still haven’t missed anything, that meant everything to me! But I knew I needed to stop getting frustrated and start getting CREATIVE.
I put a gym (I’m a personal trainer) in my house, hired a part time nanny, and got my ass back to work and my mind back in check.
As a couple, we had highs and lows about career and family. As a person, I had to search to the bottom of my soul it felt like to find my way. But it came together; for me and my family.
“I love my body; like seriously.” I had some form of an eating disorder for 18 years of my life. The day I found out I was pregnant, I knew my addiction to my body was over. My son saved me from myself.
My last stint in therapy I was asked, “what is your ultimate goal of recovery?”
“To say I love my body,” I replied.
I finally said that out load 6 months ago and I truly believe it. I train very hard, but not for aesthetics. I train to be healthy, to be strong, to be an example for my son.
“Is he ever going to be ok?” Sick babies hurt your heart and can break you down; seriously.
My son from 6-10 months was sick from something almost every week. Ear infections that lasted months. He went from sleeping through the night to 45 minutes at a time. The feeling of helplessness was unbearable to me.
I just wanted him to feel better. But I also realized so many families have it far worse than us, and I feel so much for them.
Babies get sick. You get tough and you just love them through it.
“This is so dang fun” Becoming a mother is like any life change; there’s layers too it.
There’s the messy ones, the really happy ones, and just the fillers.
The days really do fly by and one thing I’m left with after a year is that; “The moments pass by so fast, but while you’re in that moment it can feel like a very long time.”
My moment currently? Well it’s SO fun!
Baby B is walking, talking, and really developing into a pretty unique little human! This little human happens to also be discovering emotions, boundaries, and how to always realize a bathroom door is open as he unrolls the 50th toilet paper roll of the week….
Like month 1, month 12 gets easier on some things and reveals new challenges; but the difference is now I have some confidence as a mother.
I google less, I sleep more and the next year is going to be a blast for us both!
I’ve read countless books, blogs, and articles in the last year trying to help figure out this mom thing, but it’s true; there really isn’t a handbook or directions to explain all the ends and outs of being a mama.
Turns out, you ALWAYS end up writing your own.
Words can’t describe what my son has taught and allowed me too feel in a year, the only way to describe it is too look at his face…… He’s so happy.
And that moms, on the hard and the easy days, is the only true way to measure how you’re doing.
Last night, my son threw my iPad in the toilet after a full day of smashing crackers, giggles, unexplainable crying episodes, Elmo, patty-cake, and refusing to eat anything but Mac and cheese….. I elegantly made a not in my journal, “He might start a cult someday”.
Mom life can be tough, but it’s always so fun!
Congrats to my new and my veteran mamas; another year in the books and we have so many great years ahead!
To my son; a year ago I didn’t give you the gift of life, you have me the greatest gift I’ve ever had; you!
Thank you for showing me how to love, feel, laugh, and live a life like this! I love you tater tot, Happy 1 year baby!